Reflections of an uncluttered and peaceful mind

I forgot where I left off and I’m too lazy to go go back and look but what I have to say right now is this.  I have been reflecting back to the last two years the last couple of days and what I see is how peaceful I’ve become because of my therapist, Tara Brach and the work I’ve done towards peacefulness.

I’ve had to eliminated some chronic stressors, which included people……accepting that they are never going to be good for me ….. Be the way I want them to be…..and that was tough…..really tough….and I was like kicking and screaming …….but I did it…..and I’m better off.  as I told my therapist, I am not the same grasping frantic individual who showed up on her doorstep 2 years ago.

I also had to face a huge uncertainty that I have been avoiding and was terrified about….and what I found out is that I am not in trouble after all .  Infact, the people at the other end, who directly affect the outcome  are not going to ride my ass…..they are going to help me.  Wow.

That’s good karma and I’ve earned it.

And that’s the thing thing… just gotta be a good person in this world….and good stuff will come back you.

Anyway, as I reflect back here……my cat……Chica baby girl is laying in bed w me …..completely comfortable…….eyes closed…..napping…..waiting patiently for me to finish typing….she’s a love bug.  Giggle.  And I can hear the fish tank in the other room……bubbling away…….and there are no other sounds.  How completely peaceful is that?

I’m not worried about anything nor do I have to be anywhere.  Although I’m going over Gerry’s later, when he wakes up.  He just got a new job……I’m thinking of making him Reuben’s on the couch……and since I did not see him on valentines day ……I’m bringing him some chocolate I bought for him.

The reason I started to write today is because I have been spending more time focusing on my business.  I’m putting some more advertising up……and it occurred to me that I’m able to do this because my mind is no longer cluttered w the chronic stressors.  It’s like they magically disappeared and I can’t imagine spending 5 more minutes of my time worried about them or trying to manage them.

My therapist said it’s better to manage from the inside and not the outside…….and she’s right about that.

So am I lonely.  Right now I don’t feel lonely….I think I’m a curious enough person to keep myself constructively amused.  I’m sure I am lonely from time to time but it’s not overwhelming.   I have my cat, my fish, books, movies, my business, my plants and my love of cooking.  And of course not so local friends to chat w and actually a couple local people whose company I genuinely enjoy.

I think I just described a full time job consisting of things I like to do!

So the message is … I’m starting to Tangibly reap the rewards of ridding my life of the chronic stressors that I have control over.  And I am immensely thankful to both my therapist and Tara Brach…..

My two personalities

Yes, that’s right,  I have two personalities.  And according to me ….it’s normal.

I inhabit a stressed personality and then my natural personality.  That is a Tara Brachism, I think.  This is new ground for me and understanding this is going to help me develop the tools I need to reduce the presence of the stressed personality.

I just realized this little snippet last week when I was caught up in some ugliness w my business partner.  And then I listened to Tara Brach and she clarified what I was experiencing.  Never before in the history of my thinking can I remember ever understanding that I was witnessing the presence of this stressed personality.  I always thought of it as the “bad” part of me and I’ve always considered it a weakness of mine.  This inability to calm down, my explosive temper and the nasty things that escape from my mouth and the downright lethalness which I deliver them with.

Thats a “WOW” Moment for me.   It seems so elementary ….and maybe it is ….maybe it’s something I forgot or Just needed to get reacquainted with.

In any case it’s lead me to the next topic of discovery.

Using now as a point of reference

So where am I starting from?

Well, Id say the transformation started at least 5 years ago.  Of course at the time I had no idea that I was going to make such a drastic change – thats par for the course.  While I plan well locally I don’t plan globally.

I started to become unhappy because I did not have enough me time, I was spending too much time in transit for work, I no longer enjoyed what I did for work nor did I respect the companies I was employed with.  (I was auditing as a consultant for numerous financial services companies and I realized how disgustingly predatory they were to the average citizen and how I was on some level helping them in their pursuits). That’s a lot of unhappiness wrapped up in one package, if you ask me.  And I was asking!   Giggle.

So I downsized my life style and move back home to pa.

I remember thinking at the time……that I didn’t care if I ended up homeless……I’d rather be hanging out at the library doing exactly what I want than spend another minute in the company of a corporate enslaver or fellow enslavee and to hell w their 10 million dollars cafeterias, complete w Italian leather chairs, flat screen TV’s and buffets of organic food.

I was unhappy and I didn’t want to stay that way….and that was the end of it.

Enslavee…..a new word……what employees are really referred to as in the boardroom.  Giggle.

A mind that is not peaceful cannot be present

That thought popped into my mind the other day.  And I’ve expanded on what that exactly means to me.

disclaimer:  this blog was suggested by my former therapist as a way to publish my thoughts and get them into the world.  Word press seems appropriate. That’s a joke as I have discover trough therapy that I tend to blame everything on everyone else.  Ha ha.